Hold On Tight

Right now I’m reading old journals of mine and figured I’d share a few snippets. This first one isn’t dated. It is pretty much a random list of facts about myself and my life that I apparently felt the need to document for whatever reason. Anyway, I got a kick out of it, so, without further adieu…

“I reveal way too much of myself emotionally.

I often voice things I think my dog is thinking in a Muppet voice.

I feel very self-conscious when I am dressed up or in make-up.

I lived in my own reality as a child.

I tend to live in the past.

I have a hard time leaving the house for more than a couple hours.

I am ridiculously terrified of insects.

I have a very tiny attention span.

I don’t give myself enough credit.

Sometimes I dream of ‘true love’ and wake up missing my dream lover. scan0012 (2)

I secretly wish everyone would be my friend.

 

In high school, I was the worst shot-put thrower EVER.

 

I’m afraid of getting thin.

I’m terrified I may never be a mother.

I change words in songs to make them about my dog.”

 

 

…and, that is it. That is the last entry of that journal. Too funny. It is so wonderfully hilarious to go back and read these, especially the ones from when I was a teen before my mom died. I was so emo (although that wasn’t really even a thing back then) and I was always so devastated about everything all the time.

 

Oooh… This next one even has an illustration taped in there (the excitement just never ends). This one isn’t dated but it’s titled “Creatures of the Night”. creatures_of_the_night____by_peacefulgem

“When I was in high school I had a dream that I was wandering on a snowy mountaintop and I came to a log cabin. I walked around it and there were no doors. Suddenly, light blue fingers with long, blue fingernails slipped between a crack in the logs and then some sort of secret door opened. There stood an incredibly gorgeous, blue-skinned man/creature with long, flowing black hair and wearing a long, black jacket/trench coat. The moment I saw him, I felt a sense of completeness… and at that moment, I transformed into the same sort of creature. My skin turned pale blue and my nails and hair grew. It was as if I’d finally found my soulmate… my fellow creature of the night.
Anyway… the next day at school I drew a picture of my dream-lover and here he is.”

 

…and, last, but not least, this one is from February of 1999…

“Always, I am hurting. I entrust every part of myself to the people I love, and they see it as an opportunity to trample… To ruin anything good that may be in me… to rip out my heart… to use me… throw me away. No one is serious about anything. ANYTHING. There is no forever. I live in a dead world.”

Those last few lines are comedy gold right there. Gotta love the dramatics of teen years. It’d be interesting to go back and tell 16 year old me to chill out and hold on tight because this crazy ride that is life had only just begun.

 

 

 

 

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Rebirth

AliveLately I’ve felt alive for what feels like the first time. I want to do things I’ve never done before. I want to run, jump, dance, climb, skate. I want to drive again. I want to go hiking in beautiful wilderness. I want to travel and ride horses and feel the ocean splash against my face. I want to lie underneath a blanket of stars. I want to write poetry again. I want to do all of these fantastic things and so, so much more… and I will! Who’s coming with me? 🙂

I Am Less Than Half My Former Self

Before & After 001

 

Life is a crazy roller coaster, isn’t it? I have lost 240 pounds from my highest weight by following the Weight Watchers SmartPoints plan. This crazy journey will never end, honestly, as I am and always will be a food addict. The important part is that I am in recovery and I am currently kicking this thing’s butt!

Yesterday I went shopping for a pair of jean shorts. I went to the plus size section and there was only one pair of size 18. I tried them on and they were super short and therefore uncomfortable to me. I was bummed and ready to leave and then decided to take a peek in the “normal” size section. They had a bunch of size 18’s in different styles and colors. I ended up getting a really cute pair of Mossimo ones that cost a few bucks less than the generic nearly Daisy Duke-esque pair I had tried on before.

When I was in elementary school a lady from church used to make my mom’s and my clothes for us for a few years. I don’t recall exactly when that stopped happening. When we started to buy clothes toward the end of grade school it was from the plus section. Therefore, yesterday I shopped for myself in the “normal” sized clothing section for the first time in my life. It is a truly amazing feeling!

Earlier this evening I posted the above comparison pic on a couple of WW groups on Facebook. I received so much love and support and then there was one lady who was very insistent that my before and current pictures are of 2 different ladies.  She said that in the first picture I have a tiny nose and straight teeth and in the current pic I have a big, long nose and crooked teeth. I got such a good laugh out of her comments (no joke). I think it is so wonderfully fantastic that my accomplishment is so incredible to her that she just can’t believe it!

A lot of people asked 2 main questions about my journey, the first of which being how long it has taken me to loose 240 pounds. This is a tricky one to answer as this truly has been a lifelong journey for me in every sense of the word. I’ve lost and re-gained so many hundreds of pounds throughout my life that I lost count a long time ago. This time around I have lost 146 pounds since I re-joined WW last July after my most recent relapse where I had regained around 130 pounds. This is the closest I have ever come to being thin, and I have zero doubt that I will make it all the way this time. I know there will be future relapses, but I also am confident that they will have much less impact than in times past.

Of course, the other thing people want to know is if I have any good tips. The only tips I have are pretty simple. Track everything you eat, every day. If you bite it, write it.

Be kind to yourself. I tend to be a very caring and nurturing person towards others but unbelievably hard on myself. I’ve spent much of my life trying to take care of everyone else and now I am realizing that the only way any of us can efficiently do that is if we are taking care of ourselves.

One of the most important things for me is to constantly fight against all-or-nothing thinking. I have to always remind myself that each and every decision we make pertaining to this journey is important. Every bite that we do or do not take matters and is going to make a difference one way or another. If you accidentally drop a few eggs on the floor, are you going to toss the rest of them on the floor too? No way. That is essentially what we are doing when, say, we make some not very good food choices and then give in and decide to eat everything we want afterward.

Last but not least, my most important little nugget of advice is always to never, ever give up! We owe it to ourselves to do this. We deserve to be healthy. We deserve to be able to do all of the little, basic things that most people take for granted. We deserve to be able to walk into any clothing store and grab something off the rack. And, no matter what size we are, we deserve to walk with our heads held high among all of the other people who help make up the rich, beautiful tapestry we call humanity. Each and every one of us has struggles we deal with every day, some just happen to be a lot more visible than others.

 

Curl Up in a Song

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If you know me well at all then you probably know that I get obsessed with lots of things, one of which being particular songs. I don’t do it nearly as often now, but when I was younger I used to like to put on whatever song I was really feeling at the moment and listen to it on repeat for hours on end. When lyrics really speak to me I guess sometimes I just want to curl up in a song and stay there awhile.

See Yourself Through My Eyes for a Moment

Last night a friend of mine mentioned he was feeling suicidal. The first thought that came to my mind was, “Don’t you dare even think about taking my new friend away!”

The thought process that followed was an epiphany of sorts. I started thinking about the things he may have been lamenting. I know he struggles with health issues and addiction, but those are just tiny slivers of who he is. He is also smart, funny, talented, etc. Then it dawned on me… these are probably the same thoughts the people who care about me think when I am wanting to end it all.

I am going to think about that the next time I am the one trying to claw my way out of despair. I am so much more than all of my faults and there are a lot of people who think I am a pretty awesome chick. So, friend, the next time you’re lost in the darkness, keep in mind that you are so much more than you even know.

Grief Roller-Coaster

Tonight I am angry. Right now is one of those times that I just can’t understand why I never got to be a mother and it is ticking me off. I don’t get why I always have wanted children of my own so much if that is not meant to be a part of my life. In a little over a week, I will be turning thirty-five. I feel that this is the stage of my life where I need to give up on that dream and learn to accept it… and, I will, eventually. But for right here, right now? I’m going to let myself ride the roller-coaster of emotions that is grief, and that’s ok. 

Keep Your Why Close By

Sunday at our Weight Watchers meeting we were talking about keeping ones “why close by”. We were encouraged by our indescribably fantastic leader, Kim, to make our own personal lists of why we are doing this to remind ourselves why we keep at it.

I’ve had many, many lists of whys over the years, lists of reasons, goals and achievements. Some of which change as time goes by, others are constants throughout my life. The biggest “why” for me will always remain. My mom died of a massive heart attack a little over 2 months after her 40th birthday. I ain’t goin out like that.

Some of my whys I have already conquered are the following:

– I am able to easily take care of myself and perform everyday tasks

– I no longer have type 2 diabetes

– I no longer have obstructive sleep apnea

– I am able to walk through the grocery store and enjoy myself shopping

– People no longer stare, snicker or mock me

– Little kids don’t ask embarrassing questions to or about me (Why is she/are you so big? Do you have a baby in your tummy? When are you going to be a mommy?)

– I no longer have to order my clothes online or from catalogs. I am able to go clothes shopping again!

– I’m able to work with children again

Some of the whys I have yet to check off are:

– I want to ride horses someday

– I want to travel

– Get rid of hypertension

– Ride all the fun rides at an amusement park

– Grow old with my husband

– I want to accomplish a huge goal that I’ve had ever since going off to WW summer camp in PA at 8 years old to begin my first of many weight loss journeys… One day, I will make it to a healthy weight and achieve lifetime at Weight Watchers!       scan0067 a

Right now I am 67 pounds away from my personal goal.

I’m around 55 pounds less than the lightest I ever got throughout high school.

I’m 45 pounds away from being thinner than I’ve ever been in my adult life.

I am 29 pounds away from being back down to the weight I was at in 2012 when I relapsed into a regain of 131 of the 227 pounds I had lost previously.

I am 198 pounds down from my heaviest weight. I will NEVER GIVE UP!!!!!