Lately I’ve felt alive for what feels like the first time. I want to do things I’ve never done before. I want to run, jump, dance, climb, skate. I want to drive again. I want to go hiking in beautiful wilderness. I want to travel and ride horses and feel the ocean splash against my face. I want to lie underneath a blanket of stars. I want to write poetry again. I want to do all of these fantastic things and so, so much more… and I will! Who’s coming with me? 🙂
Life is a crazy roller coaster, isn’t it? I have lost 240 pounds from my highest weight by following the Weight Watchers SmartPoints plan. This crazy journey will never end, honestly, as I am and always will be a food addict. The important part is that I am in recovery and I am currently kicking this thing’s butt!
Yesterday I went shopping for a pair of jean shorts. I went to the plus size section and there was only one pair of size 18. I tried them on and they were super short and therefore uncomfortable to me. I was bummed and ready to leave and then decided to take a peek in the “normal” size section. They had a bunch of size 18’s in different styles and colors. I ended up getting a really cute pair of Mossimo ones that cost a few bucks less than the generic nearly Daisy Duke-esque pair I had tried on before.
When I was in elementary school a lady from church used to make my mom’s and my clothes for us for a few years. I don’t recall exactly when that stopped happening. When we started to buy clothes toward the end of grade school it was from the plus section. Therefore, yesterday I shopped for myself in the “normal” sized clothing section for the first time in my life. It is a truly amazing feeling!
Earlier this evening I posted the above comparison pic on a couple of WW groups on Facebook. I received so much love and support and then there was one lady who was very insistent that my before and current pictures are of 2 different ladies. She said that in the first picture I have a tiny nose and straight teeth and in the current pic I have a big, long nose and crooked teeth. I got such a good laugh out of her comments (no joke). I think it is so wonderfully fantastic that my accomplishment is so incredible to her that she just can’t believe it!
A lot of people asked 2 main questions about my journey, the first of which being how long it has taken me to loose 240 pounds. This is a tricky one to answer as this truly has been a lifelong journey for me in every sense of the word. I’ve lost and re-gained so many hundreds of pounds throughout my life that I lost count a long time ago. This time around I have lost 146 pounds since I re-joined WW last July after my most recent relapse where I had regained around 130 pounds. This is the closest I have ever come to being thin, and I have zero doubt that I will make it all the way this time. I know there will be future relapses, but I also am confident that they will have much less impact than in times past.
Of course, the other thing people want to know is if I have any good tips. The only tips I have are pretty simple. Track everything you eat, every day. If you bite it, write it.
Be kind to yourself. I tend to be a very caring and nurturing person towards others but unbelievably hard on myself. I’ve spent much of my life trying to take care of everyone else and now I am realizing that the only way any of us can efficiently do that is if we are taking care of ourselves.
One of the most important things for me is to constantly fight against all-or-nothing thinking. I have to always remind myself that each and every decision we make pertaining to this journey is important. Every bite that we do or do not take matters and is going to make a difference one way or another. If you accidentally drop a few eggs on the floor, are you going to toss the rest of them on the floor too? No way. That is essentially what we are doing when, say, we make some not very good food choices and then give in and decide to eat everything we want afterward.
Last but not least, my most important little nugget of advice is always to never, ever give up! We owe it to ourselves to do this. We deserve to be healthy. We deserve to be able to do all of the little, basic things that most people take for granted. We deserve to be able to walk into any clothing store and grab something off the rack. And, no matter what size we are, we deserve to walk with our heads held high among all of the other people who help make up the rich, beautiful tapestry we call humanity. Each and every one of us has struggles we deal with every day, some just happen to be a lot more visible than others.
Last night a friend of mine mentioned he was feeling suicidal. The first thought that came to my mind was, “Don’t you dare even think about taking my new friend away!”
The thought process that followed was an epiphany of sorts. I started thinking about the things he may have been lamenting. I know he struggles with health issues and addiction, but those are just tiny slivers of who he is. He is also smart, funny, talented, etc. Then it dawned on me… these are probably the same thoughts the people who care about me think when I am wanting to end it all.
I am going to think about that the next time I am the one trying to claw my way out of despair. I am so much more than all of my faults and there are a lot of people who think I am a pretty awesome chick. So, friend, the next time you’re lost in the darkness, keep in mind that you are so much more than you even know.
Tonight I am angry. Right now is one of those times that I just can’t understand why I never got to be a mother and it is ticking me off. I don’t get why I always have wanted children of my own so much if that is not meant to be a part of my life. In a little over a week, I will be turning thirty-five. I feel that this is the stage of my life where I need to give up on that dream and learn to accept it… and, I will, eventually. But for right here, right now? I’m going to let myself ride the roller-coaster of emotions that is grief, and that’s ok.
I’ve been wanting to write for ages but never know quite what to say, rather, never end up doing it. There are so many topics and issues and I don’t even know where to begin. For a while now I’ve been grieving the loss of my youth. I try to live my life and stay positive but it always haunts me. I’m fairly certain it has a lot to do with the fact that both of my parents died so young. I figure somewhere in my mind that leads me to believe I will ultimately die young as well.
On that note, I am back on WW and losing weight again. Yesterday I celebrated having lost 64 lbs in 4 months. Right now I am 67 lbs away from getting back to the weight I was in 2012 before I relapsed and started to regain, so I’m almost halfway there.
I go back and forth on whether or not I still want to have kids someday. Being a mother has always been my greatest aspiration. As of late, I’ve questioned whether it is still what I want. I’m sure that probably has a lot to do with my aforementioned fear of getting older. I suppose only time will tell.
Sunday will be the 15th Mothers Day that has passed since my mom died. The sorrow and loss is just as deep, just as raw as it was the first time in 2000. That kind of grief that hurts so much it feels like you’re being kicked in the chest. Fifteen years she’s been gone and still all of the emotions and stages of grief decide to flood back whenever they please. Just a little while ago I picked up “A Mother Loss Workbook” and skimmed through for a few minutes. I mumbled to myself, “This is stupid” and tossed the book aside. I can’t help but wonder if it actually is or if I just don’t want to try to deal with it. Considering I have had the book for years and hardly opened it I would have to guess it is probably the latter scenario.
Anyhow, I realize it has been ages since I’ve updated my blog. I have gained back probably close to 100 pounds. I am currently in the relapse stage of the whole “Cycle of Change”. I am fighting as hard as I can. I am gaining back a lot slower than other times and am hoping and praying to be able to get back on track before I gain everything back again.
As extremely depressing as this blog entry has been so far, things are actually going well. My husband Dave and I are happily married and in love and we have 2 sweet little doggy girls that we love very much. Hilariously enough, right as I finished typing that last sentence I heard a familiar sound… Ndnd (In-Dun-Da), our 7 year old Shih Tzu, dropping a pebble on the floor. In the event that a tiny pebble gets tracked in on someone’s shoe, NdNd will be sure to find it and play with it until one of us takes it away. Silly girl. 🙂
Well, it’s not much, but here it is… my first blog post in many moons. It feels nice. 🙂
Recently I came to this page and noticed that, throughout the entire year of 2012, I never once wrote in this blog. In the words of my ever-so-wise Weight Watchers leader, Kim- life happened. A whole lot of life happened in 2012. I was hospitalized with a DVT in my left arm in February. I was in Cardiac ICU for about a week. During my hospitalization they found that I had something called Thoracic Outlet Syndrome (the area between my collarbone and top left rib was too small and causing damage to some veins and nerves). After several surgeries including putting a shunt in my arm and doing an angioplasty to remove the massive blod clot that spread from my heart through my left arm, they decided the only way to ensure this would never happen again was to remove my top left rib. I had a top left rib resection on March 2, 2012, the day before my 30th birthday.
Throughout my somewhat lengthy hospital stay I was constantly comforting myself with foods of all kinds. I was able to order anything I wanted off the menu for breakfast, lunch and dinner. The hospital I was in even had a McDonald’s in it, for Pete’s sake. I was livin’ the fatty dream, let me tell ya. That lead me to gain back 50 pounds throughout the year as I kept on treating myself for months on end. I still stand behind what I’ve said for years now… I will NEVER GIVE UP!!! I am on my way back down, slowly but surely. This journey is a lifelong one. I know myself well enough to know that there will always be bumps in the road, often pretty big ones, but I will always keep on fighting!
In other big news, the love of my life proposed to me on June 22, 2012. We are getting married on April 27, 2013 and I am so excited to spend the rest of my life with him! He has been here for me through thick and thin and I know that we both will be for each other for the rest of this journey called life. I knew we were in this for the long haul when he was holding my barf bucket in the hospital while I projectile vomited into it and cried. That, my friends, is love. 🙂