Last night a friend of mine mentioned he was feeling suicidal. The first thought that came to my mind was, “Don’t you dare even think about taking my new friend away!”
The thought process that followed was an epiphany of sorts. I started thinking about the things he may have been lamenting. I know he struggles with health issues and addiction, but those are just tiny slivers of who he is. He is also smart, funny, talented, etc. Then it dawned on me… these are probably the same thoughts the people who care about me think when I am wanting to end it all.
I am going to think about that the next time I am the one trying to claw my way out of despair. I am so much more than all of my faults and there are a lot of people who think I am a pretty awesome chick. So, friend, the next time you’re lost in the darkness, keep in mind that you are so much more than you even know.
Recently I came to this page and noticed that, throughout the entire year of 2012, I never once wrote in this blog. In the words of my ever-so-wise Weight Watchers leader, Kim- life happened. A whole lot of life happened in 2012. I was hospitalized with a DVT in my left arm in February. I was in Cardiac ICU for about a week. During my hospitalization they found that I had something called Thoracic Outlet Syndrome (the area between my collarbone and top left rib was too small and causing damage to some veins and nerves). After several surgeries including putting a shunt in my arm and doing an angioplasty to remove the massive blod clot that spread from my heart through my left arm, they decided the only way to ensure this would never happen again was to remove my top left rib. I had a top left rib resection on March 2, 2012, the day before my 30th birthday.
Throughout my somewhat lengthy hospital stay I was constantly comforting myself with foods of all kinds. I was able to order anything I wanted off the menu for breakfast, lunch and dinner. The hospital I was in even had a McDonald’s in it, for Pete’s sake. I was livin’ the fatty dream, let me tell ya. That lead me to gain back 50 pounds throughout the year as I kept on treating myself for months on end. I still stand behind what I’ve said for years now… I will NEVER GIVE UP!!! I am on my way back down, slowly but surely. This journey is a lifelong one. I know myself well enough to know that there will always be bumps in the road, often pretty big ones, but I will always keep on fighting!
In other big news, the love of my life proposed to me on June 22, 2012. We are getting married on April 27, 2013 and I am so excited to spend the rest of my life with him! He has been here for me through thick and thin and I know that we both will be for each other for the rest of this journey called life. I knew we were in this for the long haul when he was holding my barf bucket in the hospital while I projectile vomited into it and cried. That, my friends, is love. 🙂
“Poor sad, naked, little Michael Jackson, layin’ dead on a slab, lookin’ like an alien… all alone…”
Poor naked Michael
Lain dead on a slab alone
My soul weeps loudly
Tears rolled down my face as I hid under a blanket and sobbed, asking the Lord why I had to be here on this Earth. This is one of my very earliest memories. It transpired while I was still living with my dad and his parents… and I only lived with them until I was two and a half years old.
As a child, I thought myself to be a monster. Not just ugly or weird or stupid… but literally non-human. I would sit and stare at myself in the mirror and cry for hours. I would point out every saggy part, every lump, every bump, every roll to myself and tell myself horrible things… things no one should ever say to anyone, let alone themselves… things like how I was worthless and would never be loved or accepted. Each and every cruel taunt and insult from others, I would internalize and accept as absolute truth. The few times when other kids told me that I should just do everybody a favor and kill myself… I agreed with them wholeheartedly. Teachers, church leaders and my mom would try to explain to me how I was a child of God and just as beautiful, inside and out, as anyone else. I would always brush it off as them just saying what they felt they had to say to someone as pathetic as (I thought) I was.
I can’t quite put my finger on what it was that has made me always feel this way about myself deep down. Every day of my life has been a fight against self-loathing… Some days I lose… Some days I win. This self-loathing has held me back from doing so very many things with my life. I’ve always had this nagging thought/feeling in the back of my head that it (whatever “it” may be) just isn’t worth trying because some part of me has convinced myself that I fail at what I do. I have come to the realization in recent years that, although I have had many failures in the past, I can and will succeed and achieve my goals from here on out. I figure if I just keep on trying… one of these days I will come out on top. I’ve said it before… I’ll say it again… I’ll keep on saying it until the freaking cows come home… I will NEVER, EVER GIVE UP!!!!!!
“Glitter In The Air”
Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands?
Closed your eyes and trusted, just trusted?
Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air?
Have you ever looked fear in the face and said, “I just don’t care”?
It’s only half past the point of no return
The tip of the iceberg
The sun before the burn
The thunder before the lightning
The breath before the phrase
Have you ever felt this way?
Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?
Your whole life waiting on the ring to prove you’re not alone
Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry?
Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?
It’s only half past the point of oblivion
The hourglass on the table
The walk before the run
The breath before the kiss
And the fear before the flames
Have you ever felt this way?
There you are, sitting in the garden
Clutching my coffee,
Calling me sugar
You called me sugar
Have you ever wished for an endless night?
Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight?
Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself will it ever get better than tonight?