Let me start by saying I truly never thought that I would get to this place. I always hoped, prayed, and strived to get to be a relatively healthy weight and just be chubby instead of super-sized, but I never imagined I would actually get thin. I have lost a little over 290 pounds on Weight Watchers and, for the first time in my life, made it to Lifetime. I went from size 38W jeans to a size 12. I haven’t blogged about this achievement yet because I wanted it to be thought out and well written. I decided, however, that just getting something, anything out there is better than continuing to put it off.
The number one question people ask me about my weight loss is how long it took. The answer to that question is pretty long, drawn-out and complex. Let me try to simplify it. I have lost and regained hundreds of pounds multiple times in my life. My journey with food addiction recovery is exactly that – a cycle of relapse and recovery. That being said, it’s pretty impossible to say how long it took me to lose the weight except for that it took all of my life.
Speaking of a lifelong journey, that is exactly what this is. It never goes away. It is always there and always will be. Knowing that is a powerful weapon against total relapse. This is my life and failure is not an option. When motivation is nowhere to be found, determination always steps in. Now I am in the process of learning to maintain a healthy weight. It is the first time in my life I’ve ever been in this situation, and although it is completely new to me, it is a wonderful thing.
One of the hardest things for me is my struggle with body dysmorphia. I look in the mirror and I do not see what is really there. I see a skewed version of what used to be there. The loose skin that is left behind from such massive weight loss has layers of fat attached to it that will never go away. I see that and in my mind I still look like a big woman. Oddly enough, I’ve always loved other big people. I’ve always thought they were beautiful ( kind of like Lilo from “Lilo & Stitch”!). I went through a period of several years when I was younger where I found a great deal of confidence in being a big woman. I became involved in size activism and plus size modeling and even walked a runway in a plus size fashion show in Chicago. I was on top of the world. Then, when I started to lose weight again, I lost that confidence and once again became a meak, self-loathing person. Then, when I gained back 130 lbs that time around, my confidence did not come back. I just continued hating myself. I didn’t start to find my confidence again until losing weight this time around. Mental health is also a never-ending cycle of relapse and recovery for sure.
Anyway, I feel like this blog entry is getting muddled and confusing. That, of course, is not my intent. 😉 I suppose, like always, I just want to share my story so that I might be able to help someone else out there who is going through something similar. Please know that you are loved. Please know that there is always hope. Please know that you absolutely CAN do this. Please never give up!!!!! ❤ ❤ ❤