Grief Roller-Coaster

Tonight I am angry. Right now is one of those times that I just can’t understand why I never got to be a mother and it is ticking me off. I don’t get why I always have wanted children of my own so much if that is not meant to be a part of my life. In a little over a week, I will be turning thirty-five. I feel that this is the stage of my life where I need to give up on that dream and learn to accept it… and, I will, eventually. But for right here, right now? I’m going to let myself ride the roller-coaster of emotions that is grief, and that’s ok. 

Keep Your Why Close By

Sunday at our Weight Watchers meeting we were talking about keeping ones “why close by”. We were encouraged by our indescribably fantastic leader, Kim, to make our own personal lists of why we are doing this to remind ourselves why we keep at it.

I’ve had many, many lists of whys over the years, lists of reasons, goals and achievements. Some of which change as time goes by, others are constants throughout my life. The biggest “why” for me will always remain. My mom died of a massive heart attack a little over 2 months after her 40th birthday. I ain’t goin out like that.

Some of my whys I have already conquered are the following:

– I am able to easily take care of myself and perform everyday tasks

– I no longer have type 2 diabetes

– I no longer have obstructive sleep apnea

– I am able to walk through the grocery store and enjoy myself shopping

– People no longer stare, snicker or mock me

– Little kids don’t ask embarrassing questions to or about me (Why is she/are you so big? Do you have a baby in your tummy? When are you going to be a mommy?)

– I no longer have to order my clothes online or from catalogs. I am able to go clothes shopping again!

– I’m able to work with children again

Some of the whys I have yet to check off are:

– I want to ride horses someday

– I want to travel

– Get rid of hypertension

– Ride all the fun rides at an amusement park

– Grow old with my husband

– I want to accomplish a huge goal that I’ve had ever since going off to WW summer camp in PA at 8 years old to begin my first of many weight loss journeys… One day, I will make it to a healthy weight and achieve lifetime at Weight Watchers!       scan0067 a

Right now I am 67 pounds away from my personal goal.

I’m around 55 pounds less than the lightest I ever got throughout high school.

I’m 45 pounds away from being thinner than I’ve ever been in my adult life.

I am 29 pounds away from being back down to the weight I was at in 2012 when I relapsed into a regain of 131 of the 227 pounds I had lost previously.

I am 198 pounds down from my heaviest weight. I will NEVER GIVE UP!!!!!

Sometimes Life Gets in the Way

I’ve been wanting to write for ages but never know quite what to say, rather, never end up doing it. There are so many topics and issues and I don’t even know where to begin. For a while now I’ve been grieving the loss of my youth. I try to live my life and stay positive but it always haunts me. I’m fairly certain it has a lot to do with the fact that both of my parents died so young. I figure somewhere in my mind that leads me to believe I will ultimately die young as well.

On that note, I am back on WW and losing weight again. Yesterday I celebrated having lost 64 lbs in 4 months. Right now I am 67 lbs away from getting back to the weight I was in 2012 before I relapsed and started to regain, so I’m almost halfway there.

I go back and forth on whether or not I still want to have kids someday. Being a mother has always been my greatest aspiration. As of late, I’ve questioned whether it is still what I want. I’m sure that probably has a lot to do with my aforementioned fear of getting older. I suppose only time will tell.

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Predictable Cycle of Change

Sunday will be the 15th Mothers Day that has passed since my mom died. The sorrow and loss is just as deep, just as raw as it was the first time in 2000. That kind of grief that hurts so much it feels like you’re being kicked in the chest. Fifteen years she’s been gone and still all of the emotions and stages of grief decide to flood back whenever they please. Just a little while ago I picked up “A Mother Loss Workbook” and skimmed through for a few minutes. I mumbled to myself, “This is stupid” and tossed the book aside. I can’t help but wonder if it actually is or if I just don’t want to try to deal with it. Considering I have had the book for years and hardly opened it I would have to guess it is probably the latter scenario.

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Anyhow, I realize it has been ages since I’ve updated my blog. I have gained back probably close to 100 pounds. I am currently in the relapse stage of the whole “Cycle of Change”. I am fighting as hard as I can. I am gaining back a lot slower than other times and am hoping and praying to be able to get back on track before I gain everything back again.

As extremely depressing as this blog entry has been so far, things are actually going well. My husband Dave and I are happily married and in love and we have 2 sweet little doggy girls that we love very much. Hilariously enough, right as I finished typing that last sentence I heard a familiar sound… Ndnd (In-Dun-Da), our 7 year old Shih Tzu, dropping a pebble on the floor. In the event that a tiny pebble gets tracked in on someone’s shoe, NdNd will be sure to find it and play with it until one of us takes it away. Silly girl. 🙂

Well, it’s not much, but here it is… my first blog post in many moons. It feels nice.  🙂

2012

Recently I came to this page and noticed that, throughout the entire year of 2012, I never once wrote in this blog. In the words of my ever-so-wise Weight Watchers leader, Kim- life happened. A whole lot of life happened in 2012. I was hospitalized with a DVT in my left arm in February. I was in Cardiac ICU for about a week. During my hospitalization they found that I had something called Thoracic Outlet Syndrome (the area between my collarbone and top left rib was too small and causing damage to some veins and nerves). After several surgeries including putting a shunt in my arm and doing an angioplasty to remove the massive blod clot that spread from my heart through my left arm, they decided the only way to ensure this would never happen again was to remove my top left rib. I had a top left rib resection on March 2, 2012, the day before my 30th birthday.

0302121844Throughout my somewhat lengthy hospital stay I was constantly comforting myself with foods of all kinds. I was able to order anything I wanted off the menu for breakfast, lunch and dinner. The hospital I was in even had a McDonald’s in it, for Pete’s sake. I was livin’ the fatty dream, let me tell ya. That lead me to gain back 50 pounds throughout the year as I kept on treating myself for months on end. I still stand behind what I’ve said for years now… I will NEVER GIVE UP!!! I am on my way back down, slowly but surely. This journey is a lifelong one. I know myself well enough to know that there will always be bumps in the road, often pretty big ones, but I will always keep on fighting!

In other big news, the love of my life proposed to me on June 22, 2012. We are getting married on April 27, 2013 and I am so excited to spend the rest of my life with him! He has been here for me through thick and thin and I know that we both will be for each other for the rest of this journey called life. I knew we were in this for the long haul when he was holding my barf bucket in the hospital while I projectile vomited into it and cried. That, my friends, is love.  🙂

 

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NEVER GIVE UP!!!

Tears rolled down my face as I hid under a blanket and sobbed, asking the Lord why I had to be here on this Earth. This is one of my very earliest memories. It transpired while I was still living with my dad and his parents… and I only lived with them until I was two and a half years old.

As a child, I thought myself to be a monster. Not just ugly or weird or stupid… but literally non-human. I would sit and stare at myself in the mirror and cry for hours. I would point out every saggy part, every lump, every bump, every roll to myself and tell myself horrible things… things no one should ever say to anyone, let alone themselves… things like how I was worthless and would never be loved or accepted. Each and every cruel taunt and insult from others, I would internalize and accept as absolute truth. The few times when other kids told me that I should just do everybody a favor and kill myself… I agreed with them wholeheartedly. Teachers, church leaders and my mom would try to explain to me how I was a child of God and just as beautiful, inside and out, as anyone else. I would always brush it off as them just saying what they felt they had to say to someone as pathetic as (I thought) I was.

I can’t quite put my finger on what it was that has made me always feel this way about myself deep down. Every day of my life has been a fight against self-loathing… Some days I lose… Some days I win. This self-loathing has held me back from doing so very many things with my life. I’ve always had this nagging thought/feeling in the back of my head that it (whatever “it” may be) just isn’t worth trying because some part of me has convinced myself that I fail at what I do. I have come to the realization in recent years that, although I have had many failures in the past, I can and will succeed and achieve my goals from here on out. I figure if I just keep on trying… one of these days I will come out on top. I’ve said it before… I’ll say it again… I’ll keep on saying it until the freaking cows come home… I will NEVER, EVER GIVE UP!!!!!!