On a Downward Spiral

You know that feeling when you can start to feel that your entire life is crashing down around you and you are at the beginning of a relapse? Yeah, me too. I’m there right now and it is the worst feeling in the world. I feel like a complete and utter failure and I want to die. Feeling this way gets so old. I’ve spent my entire life in therapy and on medication and going to Weight Watchers meetings and doing everything in my power to try to quash this demon, but it is ever present. Unfortunately, I know by now that this monster is just a part of my life that won’t be going anywhere. Attempting to live a relatively normal life takes every ounce of strength and energy I have and leaves none for being able to go above and beyond and/or really be able to succeed at anything. I’ve been considering checking myself in somewhere for help, but can’t afford to take any time off work, so, it’s just not a possibility. If I were to go try to get help to try to make it so I didn’t want to kill myself anymore, I would just end up in a deeper hole and still want to die anyway. Such is life.

So, life will go on like usual. I will bundle up and walk to work this morning. I’ll walk into the nursery and I’ll put a smile on my face and pretend like everything is fine. I will leave there and go to my Weight Watchers meeting. I will step on the scale and see this week’s damage and either pretend like I’m ok or just sit quietly and observe. Then I’ll probably come home and eat more cereal than any human being should ever eat. Because that’s just how I roll. God help me.

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