Tidal Waves

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Often I feel trapped, as if there is nowhere to run, no way to escape the constant chaos in my mind. Most of the time I deal with it just fine, or at least the best I can. Other times… it comes in tidal waves and drowns me.

When my mom died suddenly when I was 17, my entire world fell apart. Any small shred of security I had ever felt in my life was snatched away in an instant. It is true that many people have no idea what to say to those who have experienced great loss. One thing I remember people saying periodically that was particularly hurtful was something along the lines of, “I don’t know how you do it. I wouldn’t be able to survive if I lost my mom.” I wanted to scream at them and tell them how extremely wrong their assumption was. I wanted to tell them that, as much as they may not have wanted to, they most certainly would survive, which is infinitely more painful than the alternative.

Chances are, just because a cherished loved one’s journey has come to an end doesn’t mean our story is over too. Whether or not we like it, whether or not we’re ready, it is the beginning of a new chapter of our lives- life without them.

There I go getting off topic again. I didn’t really mean for this to be another post about losing my mom. Let’s get back to the topic at hand- feeling completely overwhelmed with emotion and hectored by anxiety and self-loathing. Many of us live with these things every day. For whatever reason, those of us who struggle with these issues are constantly telling ourselves that we are inferior. In reality, we are fighters. We are taking metaphorical sucker punches left and right, day in and day out and, more often than not, remain standing. We are not failures. Do not believe the lies you tell yourself. We are hardcore bad asses indeed.

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