Tonight I am angry. Right now is one of those times that I just can’t understand why I never got to be a mother and it is ticking me off. I don’t get why I always have wanted children of my own so much if that is not meant to be a part of my life. In a little over a week, I will be turning thirty-five. I feel that this is the stage of my life where I need to give up on that dream and learn to accept it… and, I will, eventually. But for right here, right now? I’m going to let myself ride the roller-coaster of emotions that is grief, and that’s ok.
Sunday at our Weight Watchers meeting we were talking about keeping ones “why close by”. We were encouraged by our indescribably fantastic leader, Kim, to make our own personal lists of why we are doing this to remind ourselves why we keep at it.
I’ve had many, many lists of whys over the years, lists of reasons, goals and achievements. Some of which change as time goes by, others are constants throughout my life. The biggest “why” for me will always remain. My mom died of a massive heart attack a little over 2 months after her 40th birthday. I ain’t goin out like that.
Some of my whys I have already conquered are the following:
– I am able to easily take care of myself and perform everyday tasks
– I no longer have type 2 diabetes
– I no longer have obstructive sleep apnea
– I am able to walk through the grocery store and enjoy myself shopping
– People no longer stare, snicker or mock me
– Little kids don’t ask embarrassing questions to or about me (Why is she/are you so big? Do you have a baby in your tummy? When are you going to be a mommy?)
– I no longer have to order my clothes online or from catalogs. I am able to go clothes shopping again!
– I’m able to work with children again
Some of the whys I have yet to check off are:
– I want to ride horses someday
– I want to travel
– Get rid of hypertension
– Ride all the fun rides at an amusement park
– Grow old with my husband
– I want to accomplish a huge goal that I’ve had ever since going off to WW summer camp in PA at 8 years old to begin my first of many weight loss journeys… One day, I will make it to a healthy weight and achieve lifetime at Weight Watchers!
Right now I am 67 pounds away from my personal goal.
I’m around 55 pounds less than the lightest I ever got throughout high school.
I’m 45 pounds away from being thinner than I’ve ever been in my adult life.
I am 29 pounds away from being back down to the weight I was at in 2012 when I relapsed into a regain of 131 of the 227 pounds I had lost previously.
I am 198 pounds down from my heaviest weight. I will NEVER GIVE UP!!!!!