Tears rolled down my face as I hid under a blanket and sobbed, asking the Lord why I had to be here on this Earth. This is one of my very earliest memories. It transpired while I was still living with my dad and his parents… and I only lived with them until I was two and a half years old.
As a child, I thought myself to be a monster. Not just ugly or weird or stupid… but literally non-human. I would sit and stare at myself in the mirror and cry for hours. I would point out every saggy part, every lump, every bump, every roll to myself and tell myself horrible things… things no one should ever say to anyone, let alone themselves… things like how I was worthless and would never be loved or accepted. Each and every cruel taunt and insult from others, I would internalize and accept as absolute truth. The few times when other kids told me that I should just do everybody a favor and kill myself… I agreed with them wholeheartedly. Teachers, church leaders and my mom would try to explain to me how I was a child of God and just as beautiful, inside and out, as anyone else. I would always brush it off as them just saying what they felt they had to say to someone as pathetic as (I thought) I was.
I can’t quite put my finger on what it was that has made me always feel this way about myself deep down. Every day of my life has been a fight against self-loathing… Some days I lose… Some days I win. This self-loathing has held me back from doing so very many things with my life. I’ve always had this nagging thought/feeling in the back of my head that it (whatever “it” may be) just isn’t worth trying because some part of me has convinced myself that I fail at what I do. I have come to the realization in recent years that, although I have had many failures in the past, I can and will succeed and achieve my goals from here on out. I figure if I just keep on trying… one of these days I will come out on top. I’ve said it before… I’ll say it again… I’ll keep on saying it until the freaking cows come home… I will NEVER, EVER GIVE UP!!!!!!