I read the same words over and over again in the hopes that my mind will stop reeling and eventually the words will start to make some sense… but it never works. My thoughts are so scattered all over the place that I cannot retain anything I try to read. I try to watch tv and movies and the same thing happens. I can’t pay attention to save my life (maybe cuz I’m too broke? haha). I was about to say that, somewhere along the line, I lost the ability to concentrate, however, that statement isn’t completely accurate, being as I know exactly at what point I lost that ability. When I was a little girl I was reading constantly… I loved it. When I started college, I tested high enough to have the opportunity to be in a special reading course called “Logos”, which I was really proud of and excited about venturing into. As I mentioned in my last entry, my mom died just a few days after I started college. That was the end of my ability to concentrate. For one reason or other, it left and has never come back. As a matter of fact, recently it has gotten worse. It used to just be that I wasn’t able to concentrate on reading, but now I am also unable to concentrate enough to watch tv or movies. So, my down time is usually spent trolling around the net and listening to music.
The rest of this has nothing to do with the first part. Deal with it. …I’ve been wondering a lot lately what I have to offer. Is being a kind person enough of a contribution to our planet? I say no. I need to figure out what I can do to make some sort of difference in this world. I used to feel like I made a difference when I was working with children. A lot of people just considered me to be some sort of glorified babysitter, but I know that it is a lot more than that. I can’t even begin to describe the way it feels to make a difference in a child’s life. There are no words.
So, does this mean if I start caring for children again that all of the sudden I will feel like a productive member of society? Not in the least. I’m not sure if I could ever do enough to make myself feel “worthy”. Worthy of what? I don’t know. I do know, however, that I am a child of God, and that is where my worth lies. So, if I know that… then why can’t I take it to heart? For some reason, I hear all of Satan’s lies about me loud and clear… but can never seem to hear the Lord’s still, small voice. Sometimes I wish He would just shake me silly and scream in my face, “You are MINE and I love you and that is all that matters!!!” Every other aspect of life pales in comparison to His unyielding love.