I decided when I started this blog that I don’t want to write entries just to simply write blog entries. I only want to write when I am feeling it. This isn’t so much one of those times. This is more of an explanation of sorts. Right now my life is changing in so many ways. The enormity of these changes in my life is setting in more day by day, and, while I know these changes are for the best, I am terrified nonetheless.
Yesterday my counselor said that one being an “open book” is not a good thing. He said that if we share everything about ourselves with everyone then it makes our close relationships less important. I have to respectfully disagree. I feel like if I share myself with the world then maybe I can help someone out there in their journey on this crazy planet. One of the biggest things that has helped me in my life is hearing other people’s stories. I’ve always said if I can somehow help even one person feel better about themselves, then it’s all been worth it. I’ve had several people tell me that hearing my story has helped them stay strong in their journey. That is good enough for me.
What my grandma said to me when I told her that Eddie and I were getting a divorce has been running through my mind all day today. “Knowing that something is the right thing doesn’t make it any easier.” As our divorce is now final and he is going to be going back to NY with his parents in a little over a week, I can’t help but think about how what Gramma said was so painfully true.
From a very young age, the thought that telling anyone how much I weighed was an absolute no-no was ingrained into me. When I was about 12 or so I joined WW for the zillionth time. By that point in my life, my mom’s arthritic knees and total social anxiety kept her mostly home-bound except for when she would venture out to the car to take me somewhere. So, I was going to the WW meetings by myself. I was always the only child there, or at least the only child there alone. At the time, I had gotten the impression that the crotchety old lady receptionist at the church where I used to go to meetings back then had something against me (I was likely just paranoid). I came to the conclusion that it was because I was a young kid who weighed close to (or possibly already) 300 lbs and that it somehow disgusted her. My mom would put little post-it notes over my weekly weights so no one else would see. Before that, in 5th grade, we were assigned to create an autobiography. One of the first pages is a worksheet that asks basic information, name, height, weight… For that category, I wrote “I do not want to say how much I weigh.”
Once in high school my grandparents and I made a plan that I would start going to their house and working out in their home gym every week. The first time I showed up there to use their equipment I was really looking forward to it and came prepared and ready to get in a good workout. I went down to the exercise room in their basement and got on the treadmill. It asked my age and I entered it. Then… it asked the dreaded question… Weight? I wasn’t sure if it kept record of user information or not… so I lied. At the time I probably weighed around 320 lbs or so, but I think I typed 250 into the treadmill. I began walking on the treadmill for a few minutes and thought it was going well… until the treadmill suddenly shut off completely. I was mortified. I wondered if it was because I had lied about my weight. I got back on and tried again… and the same thing happened. Finally, I got on it and entered my actual weight and the thing shut down again. I decided it was because I was way too fat for it. I prayed that it wasn’t broken and then… and this is pathetic… I jogged in place for a long time so that they would think I was down there working out. I have no idea why I didn’t use any of the other machines. Maybe I was afraid I would break them too.
In high school when I started getting IDs, I always lied about my weight on them by about 100 lbs. Once at WW, Anne, my leader at that time, had a little contest-type thing where she asked which one of us was the biggest liar in the room (who had lied about their weight the most on their ID). I was too embarrassed to join in. Like I said before, I was the only kid there. There was one lady who had lied by 60 or 70 lbs and she won because I was ashamed to say that I had lied by 100 or more pounds.
I have never mentioned in this blog how much my heaviest weight was… or how much I weigh now. I am not afraid to post it all over the internet in forums and on youtube and everywhere else, but I am terrified to put it here. Afraid of what people will think to know that at one time I weighed 465 lbs. Not just random people… but my friends and family. I don’t want to be afraid or ashamed anymore. I want to share my story with the world in hopes that I can help someone else. My Weight Watchers leader, Kim, asked me this week if I will tell my story to the group at the Open House shindig this Saturday. I thought about it during the meeting and decided that I have been talking so much about getting over my fears and living my life to the fullest… that I will do it. Not exactly sure yet what I am going to say, but I know I can do it.
I was going through one of my old memory boxes a couple days ago and found another story that I told to my kindergarten teacher and she wrote down for me. This story was also written on October 7, 1987 and is called…
The Beautiful Fairy of the Wizard of Oz
One day there was a beautiful thing in the sky and people said, “Is it a bird? A castle? Or a white butterfly?” It landed in the garden and they said, “Oh my gosh! It’s a fairy!” She had a pet butterfly, and then the butterfly flew and bit them in the stomach. The fairy told her, “Be nice, Sasha.” And then the butterfly said, “I’m sorry.” And everybody was surprised and said, “She is talking!” And then the wives came out of the castle and said, “Oh, I’m dreaming! I’m dreaming! I must go back to bed!”
UNO ATTACK!!! 🙂
As of Friday, June 3rd, 2011, I am officially a single woman once again. My divorce is final. It’s nice to have that process behind me. In other news, I got another 5 lb star at Weight Watchers on Sunday! My total loss from my highest weight is… drumroll, please… 160 pounds!!! Woohooo!!!
D, Don, Mike and I have been having tons of fun playing board and card games out on the back porch lately. Our two favorite and most played games are Uno Attack and Apples to Apples. Whenever we play Apples to Apples, we always say that whatever green cards each person gets are words that describe them. We played Monopoly one night and I totally dominated! 🙂
One afternoon D and I played a game of Scrabble and then over the last couple of nights we’ve been at a game of Trivial Pursuit: The 90’s, which is still set up on the table out back to be finished tomorrow. D is bound to win because she has all of her “pie” pieces and just has to answer the center question right. I, on the other hand, am still missing 2 pieces of my pie!
My Apples to Apples hand from the other night...
Trivial Pursuit: The 90's