All my life I’ve always thought that my greatest fears were abandonment and being alone. While those are definitely 2 of my worst fears, I’ve come to realize that my greatest fear of all is actually more specific and much more selfish than that. My worst fear is that never again will there ever be a person who will love me as much as my mom loved me. I suppose, in a way, that isn’t really so much different than being alone.
It pisses me off that I think and write so much about her. It’s as if I’m obsessed. When does it end? Will I ever be complete or will I always feel empty? Am I doing something wrong? I feel like I should have gotten better by now. She’s been dead for over 11 years.
I’ve said it time and time again… I am trying to find out who I am. I have always identified myself with who I am to other people. Daughter. Friend. Cousin. Niece. Granddaughter. Sister. Gem in the plus-sized community. I am all of those things, but who am I really? I don’t have the slightest idea who I am. I’ve been so busy being completely co-dependent that I literally have no clue who I am as an individual.
I don’t understand why I can’t just be happy being myself and having a relationship with God. Why do I feel like I need to be attached to someone to matter? I hope someday I can answer these questions.